Polished Bone

TW: Sexual assault

Your house was beautiful. Tall, majestic.

The chirping of birds, soft filtered sunlight, freshly brewed coffee would wake you up. The ocean’s salty breeze infiltrated the spring air. Freshly bloomed flowers swayed, the leaves whispered their little secrets

You invited me in, I smiled and obliged. The years had given me enough pretence that the shaking of my knee stayed hidden, the perspirations meticulously, strategically wiped. Because oh mon cherie they've only just started asking us to wear masks but I've been wearing one since raised voices became raised fists, threats became a reality, hiding my coal mascara tears and my ruby lipstick across my chin behind sweeping smiles and gracious nods. You show me the house, take me behind the cherry wood French doors

I'm screaming, I'm numb. It hurts so much, I can't do this, just stop, why won't you stop, and the tortured screams only urge you on. I give up, I can't add fuel to this fire

The next day my jeans are replaced by maxi skirts, my voice drops decibels, my head angles. This brings out the belt, purple and blue aches all over, so rich you've stolen its pigments to create your art

“The room looks good” I offer, you take me to the balcony flaunting its pristine whitewashed walls. Instinctively my hand reaches for my teeth, my crushed enamel did give these walls their glow. You led me to your desk where you inked your pens in my open wounds. Guided me to the bathroom that was powered by my leaking despair. I caught sight of the bleach stain on the rug, from having rubbing alcohol drip a time too many.

We head out to the pride of the house, the pillars. The pillars carved from my bones glistened from the polish of my tears.

“That completed the tour”; you insist on coffee. I politely excuse myself.

In the taxi when the fog of fear finally lifts, I wonder how I could sense the ocean air in a downtown city house. I realize that it was the taste of my tears on my tongue that I perpetually had when I lived with you.

…. and yet mon cherie when the sun sets tonight, I'll still light myself up to keep you warm.

-P