I wish

I wish

I didn't have to check in the mirror that my t-shirt wasn't too low cut when I lean forward on my chair

or that ensure that my tank top covers my ass when I squat

or that I don't sit with my legs wide

I wish

I wish

I wish

I wish

I didn't have to think would they still accept me every time I meet someone new

or how my family’s behaviour would change if they knew my reality during every happy moment

or how most of the love I received is so conditional

I wish

I wish

I wish

I wish

5 year old me had cartoons like them

or 12 years old me had book protagonists like her

or 18 years old me had a writer who was like them

I wish

I wish

I wish

I wish

There was no mirror in the bathroom so I could shower in peace

or people didn't ridicule and piss on my interests because they don’t fit some convoluted idea of “normal”

or people didn't expect my trauma to be aesthetic

I wish

I wish

I wish

I wish

That I could have had a lover when I still lived in my hometown like all the other kids

or that nobody sees the way I look at her with stars in my eyes and galaxies in my soul

or that I didn't drown my teenage self in work because I wouldn't fit into any other label but nerd

I wish

I wish

I wish

You so easily said that I don't always want to talk about gender and sexuality

I cried that night

I understand your pov, I do

But I was so jealous, so jealous

That you could brush this away and not think of it

Yet for me, it was my very reality, my every waking breath

I wish I could say I don't want to think about this and succeed

I wish

I wish….

-P